A silent world

it may seem to you as if i was living a very silent life.

i am very quiet. sometimes you don't even notice i am there. i don't talk too much. i do my job, quietly. i listen and observe, quietly. i wait, quietly.

to you it might look as if i was leading a silent life.

but you have no idea.

in my head, its never quiet.

i am talking constantly. to myself. to imaginary people.

sometimes i become an imaginary "somebody else", too.

i sing. i think. i discuss. i chat. i ponder.

you can call yourself lucky that you can't read minds.

you would get a headache from the jumpy rollercoaster ride of my mind.

my thoughts jump from idea to idea. from thought to a song to a feeling to a dream to an idea to a question to a realization to a thought to a solution to an idea to a song to a feeling to a thought.

when it seems to you as if i was absent, i am quietly figuring out life. or at least trying to. organizing and planning my life. dreaming. and singing. and breathing.

because even if it doesn't seem understandable to you, i need that. more than anything else. that time to myself. to breathe. to recharge the batteries. to get my emotions back in balance. because as soon as i get involved with you or somebody or the whole world i am there. and i am feeling. i am feeling everything.

and i lose myself when i do. because i can never tell what i, myself, am feeling anymore. because whatever it is anybody feels around me, it becomes my feeling.

and while i love that i can feel. and that i can feel with any stranger in this world. and understand. sometimes i need time to try to understand myself, for a second. and i can only get there when i listen to the voices of my heart and soul. and i can only hear them when it is quiet. and when i can be quiet. because nobody needs me to chat about trivia. because nobody needs me to agree with them. because i don't need to talk and smile while i am talking just so nobody can see that inside i am nowhere near as happy and organized and under control as i pretend to be.

but the world comes first. and with that, everybody else comes first. because i feel everything and everyone.

so as soon as i have the chance to try to get myself under control, and in balance again, thats what i do. silently. so i can go on breathing.