A silent world

it may seem to you as if i was living a very silent life.

i am very quiet. sometimes you don't even notice i am there. i don't talk too much. i do my job, quietly. i listen and observe, quietly. i wait, quietly.

to you it might look as if i was leading a silent life.

but you have no idea.

in my head, its never quiet.

i am talking constantly. to myself. to imaginary people.

sometimes i become an imaginary "somebody else", too.

i sing. i think. i discuss. i chat. i ponder.

you can call yourself lucky that you can't read minds.

you would get a headache from the jumpy rollercoaster ride of my mind.

my thoughts jump from idea to idea. from thought to a song to a feeling to a dream to an idea to a question to a realization to a thought to a solution to an idea to a song to a feeling to a thought.

when it seems to you as if i was absent, i am quietly figuring out life. or at least trying to. organizing and planning my life. dreaming. and singing. and breathing.

because even if it doesn't seem understandable to you, i need that. more than anything else. that time to myself. to breathe. to recharge the batteries. to get my emotions back in balance. because as soon as i get involved with you or somebody or the whole world i am there. and i am feeling. i am feeling everything.

and i lose myself when i do. because i can never tell what i, myself, am feeling anymore. because whatever it is anybody feels around me, it becomes my feeling.

and while i love that i can feel. and that i can feel with any stranger in this world. and understand. sometimes i need time to try to understand myself, for a second. and i can only get there when i listen to the voices of my heart and soul. and i can only hear them when it is quiet. and when i can be quiet. because nobody needs me to chat about trivia. because nobody needs me to agree with them. because i don't need to talk and smile while i am talking just so nobody can see that inside i am nowhere near as happy and organized and under control as i pretend to be.

but the world comes first. and with that, everybody else comes first. because i feel everything and everyone.

so as soon as i have the chance to try to get myself under control, and in balance again, thats what i do. silently. so i can go on breathing.

Miscellaneous Creative Writing Task

[Write a letter to the 10-year old child you had been.]

Dear Nina,

I know it must be confusing for you to receive this letter from me. You don’t know me. But I know you very well. In fact, I have been you. Many years ago.
And I have been given the chance to write to you.

I know what you are going through and what you are feeling.
Life seems terrible to you right now, and so many bad things have happened to you already. I wish I could tell you it was going to be easier, but there are a lot of things still coming your way. Worse things. Things that will make you want to give up and quit.
But trust me. Don’t. I have not found it yet. But I am sure that one day all of this will make sense. I believe that, one day, we will find the purpose for all this pain.

I know where you are in your life right now. Terrible things have happened to you. Dreadful things have been said to you. And you are all on your own. There is just no love. And nobody who holds you in their arms. I wish I could be there in person right now, and hold you. And tell you you are not alone. I wish I could wipe away those tears you are silently crying at night. Be strong, little one! You will make it. We are strong. Don’t let them take our life away from us. One day you will get out, I promise you.

Yes, my dear, I won’t lie to you-  there are hard times coming your way. Life at the new school will be hard for you. Not at school- but at home. Don’t stop believing in the good in people. And don’t be afraid of showing your tears. They have no idea what we are going through if we don’t open up and tell them. Maybe they can help. You don’t have to go through this alone. You don’t have to be strong all the time. It is okay to cry. That does not mean you are weak. You can’t just keep it all inside. It will hurt even more, in the end. Because there will come a point when you can’t just bottle it up inside you anymore. You will fall even deeper, honey. Let it out… Don’t let it eat you up alive. I know it is hard, believe me, sweetie, and you have no idea how much I wish I could be there for you. I am so sorry you have to go through this alone.
Just like you, I wish I could rewrite history. But, I have to disappoint you, we can’t. And you should stop hoping for that dream of yours to come true… We have not been mixed up at the hospital. Not as far as anybody in my future knows, at least. And we have not been adopted, either. Stop waiting for the day that they will show us that we don’t, even officially, belong to them. It is only in our dreams. And hearts, that we know that there must have gone something wrong. Yes, my dear, you figure correctly. Even in my future we are not a part of them. It has gotten worse, even. But don’t let that keep you from going on fighting. I believe we have to go through this- for whatever reason. Maybe it will all make sense in the end. Maybe somebody has a special plan for us. Maybe we need to feel all this pain- for a special task in the end.

I wish I could hold you in my arms. I know how much you crave to be loved. Let me give you one advice: Don’t tell her that she never tells you she loves you. She will start yelling it in your face whenever she is screaming at you again. And it will hurt even more. Just wait for the day that someone will say it to you. And mean it, too. Whenever that will be…
I know what she has told you. And what they have done to you. Don’t give up, boo. Be strong. You will get through this. They aren’t happy, either. They shouldn’t blame it on you, that is not okay, you are right, but try to understand them. And don’t hate them for it. I know you don’t… But they will accuse you of hating them. Don’t ever believe them. You know you don’t. We know they are good people. Look at her. How good she is to our sisters. She is a great mother to them. Love her for it. And don’t cry about not seeing that affection in her eyes for you. Maybe we will find someone some day who will be able to feel it for us. We can’t force somebody to love us who just can’t find it in their heart. We have to understand.
No, I know- it is not fair. And, I know you are already figuring it, that life is not supposed to be this hard. But, bunny, there is nothing we can do. Except to fight ourselves through it as good as we can, trying to get as few bruises as possible…

Think of all the good things you have had in your life, as well. Grandma. I think she really loved us. And Lena! And- is Luna living with you yet? She will keep you company. She is the best you will ever have. And don’t worry- I know we are not allowed to let her into our room- but nobody will realize our room is her favorite place in the house. :) Nobody will ever find out. :)

And, honey, there are also a few good things coming your way in the near future. You will meet a boy. And he will become more than just a friend. He will be perfect. I wish I could stop you from throwing it all away in four years… Try not to think that nobody can love us if our own mother can’t even love us… Can you try it, for me? It would make so much so much easier…

There is also another special person soon coming into your life. She will soon be visiting for the first time. And you will love her. And I think she will love you, too. She is the only one of our mother’s friends who won’t turn her back on us. You will have to keep your friendship a secret. But she will stick with you, no matter what. I know you will have many moments where you will feel guilty for putting her between us and our mother- but, if you believe it or not, she won’t let us break contact with her. I have tried so many times, because I felt so bad for doing that to her, for putting her in the middle of all this, but she has never let me get through with it. She is amazing! You see, we are not alone. Even if we don’t have the one we need the most- at least we know there is someone who would care if we didn’t exist anymore. So don’t be silly, and do anything stupid. I know you will try. But you might as well not go there at all- because as strong as you fancy yourself, you are not. Not to pursue that. It will only make you weaker, in fact. And- even if you may think nobody would care, there are some people who actually might. And you will meet some amazing people, soon, that will change your life! You will have to wait some years to find the true friends that will stick with you through good and bad times, but you will find a best friend! One like you have always wished for. And even better. I can’t wait for you to meet her! So- keep on going! It will be worth it! Just to meet her! Believe me!

Gosh, boo- there is so much coming your way I wish I could spare you. Just don’t ever give up. As hard as they will keep trying, they can’t break us. Keep on writing your songs and poems. We have never been good at keeping a diary. But all these songs and poems and notes will work perfectly as one, trust me.
Don’t listen to anyone who tells you we should stop living in our head so much. I believe that’s what’s keeping us alive. Just try not to lose reality too much… Keep a healthy balance between the both of them.

I am at a point in my life where I am realizing the many mistakes I have made. And I wish I could undo them. But many of them were not made by our own choice, I regret.
Right now I am having issues with food. I know it will be hard for you to imagine it, and you won’t have to deal with it for a long time, but at the moment I am having issues with my weight. I know you are dealing with “gaining-weight-plans” and “eating-enforcements” at the moment. I wish I knew how to stop her from doing that to us. It will mess up our eating habits in the future. Try not to eat so much when you are emotional (that is a tip for you for the future- especially when you are 18ish…) There will come a point where you will gain weight. And it is easier put-on than taken off again, trust me- I am fighting myself about it at the moment. But you don’t have to worry about that just yet…

It is way more important for you, at the moment, to know that everything you do is not wrong! You will hear that a lot. I know you have heard that they would sell you. There are worse things coming for you to hear- they will try to send you to a boarding school and they will try to take you out of school after 10th grade. But don’t worry- there will be an amazing teacher, the associate director at that time, who will talk to our parents and stop them from “ruining our future”(his words). Now, remember this- listen to what he is going to say to you afterwards, though. Because as much as you doubt it could be harder than it has been to you before, he will be right. Believe him when he says the next last three years at school will be incredibly hard- and even worse without the support from home. I know you will think you have gone through so much, how much worse could it get- I did, too. But he will right… Oh, if I only I could spare you having to go through all that follows… But, don’t let that discourage you. You will find your way out of it. And you will make a plan. A good one. Trust me. Don’t lose faith. 

I am afraid I will have to let you go now, boo.
Just promise me to never lose faith in yourself. You are a good person. No matter what they tell you. I know that is hard to believe. Especially when all you hear is that you are not good enough and you should be different/better. Don’t change. Be yourself.
Take their punches and don’t let their words affect you too much. You will find a way out. And you know, deep down in your heart, that you are a good person. I know sometimes you would love to make them feel the pain they give you- but you and I both know all too well that we could never hurt them as much as they hurt us. At some point you will try to move out. And somebody will actually offer us to live with them. As they have me… If I was you, I would do it. It could help us a lot. But to be fair and honest, I have to admit that I couldn’t do it, either. I just knew it would break their hearts if I moved out and turned away from them. I couldn’t do that to them…
Just try to somehow make it. There will come the day that you can move out. And then you can start your own life. Just live for that day. And keep making your plans. And lists. They keep us alive and going.

Keep studying for school. And even if they tell you you are not doing enough. There will be people who see how dedicated you are. Some of the teachers will notice that you are spending most of your time at school. Of course they will not understand why, but it will feel good to see that at least somebody sees that you are doing good.

Keep faith, keep going, keep singing, keep writing. And keep being yourself.

You are amazing. Just the way you are.
Don’t ever let anybody tell you differently- don’t ever believe it when somebody does.
I wish somebody had told me that… 

I love you.
And I will never let you down.

Yours forever,
Nina

Ps.: I have drafted a life philosophy for us:

You were only given this life because you are strong enough to live it.

Try to believe it.